If something you read here provides a respite from your day to day, then I am grateful it helped!
When I was a teenager, I worked at a theme park in the games department. I was the fellow who provided everyone's till in the morning and gave them change throughout the day, a cashier basically. I would come in the morning and prepare tills for all the games attendants in order to provide change, 5s, 10s, and ones if memory serves.
I would be in the cash office and hand out the aprons with the cash prepared inside. Throughout the day, as their singles ebbed and their crisp stack thinned, replaced with grungy yet more desirable dubs and such, they would return. Leaving with their bankroll renewed, ready to exchange these bills for those of larger denominations from people hoping today would be their lucky day.
I liked this job, I liked the people, I liked that since we were out of the public eye, us employees could relax around peers rather than patrons. Looking back on these days was one of my first lessons in appreciation of the mundane.
So that summer there was a work program going on where individuals who were in a halfway house for (if I'm remembering correctly... this was 19 years ago) non violent crime worked at the theme park.
They were great folks, I bet that most of these guys just hoped that we could understand something, that past mistakes don't always need to decide one's future. One's perception of others shouldn't be decided based on things that have no bearing on your shared experiences now. I would bet that some of the people we all interact with daily, have done things that would have put them into that halfway house, or worse, had things happened differently. But the intention of this essay isn't one involving a cautionary tale, or even one of kumbaya. I want to share a couple weeks of my past that taught me about something I was not aware I had been lacking. Grace.
There was this older dude, well, older than my 16ish years of age, he was probably in his 40s... I wish I remembered his name! Yet I can clearly remember his face and what I learned from him. He was a weathered, short stocky guy, he reminded me of Mario from Super Mario Bros, but instead of having Mario's playful Italian timbre, he spoke with a warm, cheerful baritone that fit well with the musical rhythm of his Hispanic accent.
Since I was the cash dude, I interacted with everyone each morning and throughout the day. Exchanging those aforementioned stacks... I remember during the first month or so of that group's employment, he would rib me a bit, totally appropriate stuff, not mean, just normal, friendly banter and jokes. I was just an awkward kid who lacked confidence, so I wouldn't know how to respond. Internally I would get pretty upset. I knew he wasn't trying to be rude, but I always left the interactions feeling as if I had missed out. I started dreading the interactions. One day I let my feelings show on my face, it got to me... I was just pissed. Being the brat that I was, I remember being sulky. Pretty quickly, he noticed but of course, I didn't.
The next day, I thought it was business as usual, so when he came to get his till, my stomach started to hurt and my palms started to sweat. "Here we go again... how should my face look? Is this normal? Hrrmmmm."
When I saw his face, I realized I was completely off-base. He, without an ounce of condescension, and plenty of grace, apologized to me.
He genuinely wanted me to know he never wanted to try and get a rise out of me or upset me, and that he wanted me to know he was sorry if he caused me to be uncomfortable.
He followed this up by saying that he only messed with me because I was funny and he liked talking to me.
I don't remember my response, I hope it was adequate. It probably wasn't.
I think that was the first time someone in the "real" world, went out of their way to make things right. It took true humility and courage, combined with a desire to have a good impact on those around you. He was being real. Giving somebody more than they really deserve. I'm very grateful for that kindness.
The rest of that summer was cool. We had lunch often. (this dude would use so much sugar in his coffee!) He told me a bit about what got him to where he was, and talked about how he wanted to see other younger folks do better. He wasn't gaining anything from this, it wasn't preachy, it was nice. He gave thoughtful companionship and advice freely to an awkward kid who could barely look at people in the eyes.
While he still was intimidating, I saw it for what it was. It came from years. He owned his mistakes, had been through stuff, and was able to come out with his head on straight. What's more, if I could go back quickly to the ribbing, he really wasn't doing anything wrong, I was just soft. Most other people would have continued the jokes, or just stopped, and wrote me off as beneath them, others did.
He didn't.
It showed me many things, like the futility of trying to assume other people's intents, and the value of real communication.
I think about this summer often, about the impact little gestures can have on those around us, and what fundamental kindness can be. Thanks for reading 8)
We all have our own weights we carry.
When I was around 23 years old, I read a comment on Reddit that planted a seed. It's been over a decade since then, but I still think about it. It helped shape a fundamental part of how I view the world. I am forever grateful for that internet stranger's thoughtful comment all those years ago. I want to try and express why I still remember this one comment in particular. I have tried finding the original post several times over the years.. but it has eluded me! So what I'm writing here comes from my own, fallible memory, and while their original sentiment is the root of this, I am sure that it has been befuddled with my own interpretations.
I am also sure that if I never came across their comment in the first place, That I would not be as...whole, of a person as I am today. In a way, It gave me permission to believe that my expieriences were just as valid as everyone else. The insights I gained over the years, am still gaining.. would not have been possible had I continued taking myself for granted. It would be nice if, through writing this (and other stuff), that some insights may grow in your mind, and that you might become better from it.
The post in question was an "Ask me Anything" (AMA) post. These are posts where people can pose questions to an individual who, in one way or another, can illuminate the interwebs with their expertise or anecdotes. The title of this post was something along the lines of "I was a combat medic, AMA." The only exchange I remember was their reply to someone who expressed their thoughts on how difficult it must be to undergo such traumatic experiences as being in a firefight and, on top of that, being responsible for saving people's lives, facing the carnage of wounds... They mentioned how they couldn't imagine going through that, and how the combat medic was a braver and stronger person than themselves.
Without downplaying their own actions, they offered up their belief that comparing one person's sufferings and experiences against others was not something worth doing. They wrote about how every individual has only their own experiences... how emotions are only truly felt singularly within each of us. Therefore, it's impossible to know what other people are actually feeling. It's unkind to discredit someone's pain, just because you went through something ostensibly worse.
They acknowledged that as a soldier, yes, they had experienced traumatic events. But they wanted the commenter to know that comparing one person's traumas to another's is not helpful or healthy. It detracts from one's value and is something out of their control. They ended by explaining how the worst thing someone has felt is just that... the worst thing they have experienced... and that it doesn't matter what that experience involved.
This concept was part of a feeling that I had felt often, yet had been unable to put into words before. Call me simple, but I still am blown away by the truth inherent in their comment.
A person could describe their worst day ever as when they were snubbed socially... or had a bad experience with a dentist... or when they got food poisoning. While these may seem trivial to someone else, for them it was anything but that. These experiences are just as valid as any other.
The gravity of a situation is irrelevant to the emotion it provokes. An emotion doesn't glean any more authenticity based on external factors. And even if, for the sake of argument, we decide that it does... So what? This does nothing for the person who is still experiencing the emotions. The feeling of an emotion is truly a singular experience, one which can only be understood by the individual and then described to others. Telling someone how you feel can be like playing the schoolyard game of telephone. And deciding how other people should feel is like forcing someone to read from a note rather than playing the game.
Now, if given the choice between, say, your best friend telling you they don't want you around anymore or having a lingering illness, I am sure which one we all would choose. Yet, if the only thing you have been through was something like having a fallout with your friend, who am I to dictate how bad you should feel? I think of the movie "Shrink"—there is a line in it that goes: "It's grief. They want you to have some kind of normal response to grief, you know, so they don't have to watch. But it's mine." The truth of that statement is irrevocable. One's feelings are their own.
I think it's important to meditate on this!
Accepting my inability to truly understand others gives me pause. It's a bit upsetting to me. Yet, There are still many ways to connect with others, and I would argue that the gravity of their situation is beside the point.
Believing that someone's experiences are too far beyond your scope of understanding is something that can prevent you from even attempting to understand. Similarly, if by your own estimation a problem doesn't seem important, it can be written off. These conclusions can rob us of opportunities to connect! It is not that you are incapable of experiencing what someone else has gone through. Simply that you have not been there yet, or, that you have forgotten what similar experiences felt like when they were new.
If someone is going through something you cannot understand, starting from that place of honest limitation can be a good thing. Pretending to understand others only does a disservice to everyone. Having the intention to simply be there will create a foundation that can hold whatever comes later. Furthermore, accepting our inability to comprehend others does not close a door, but opens one that will bridge the chasm between your experiences. The best thing we can do for each other is understand this and act accordingly. Instead of assuming someone should catch up to you, try to meet them halfway.
Ask questions, listen, don't be afraid of what you can't feel, bravely take yourself out of the picture, leave others with their own shoes, while you live in your own. Live with your eyes and ears open. There are many ways to find answers to the hard truths inherent in life. And as far as I can tell, it's not about knowing where to look.. It's about wanting to look in the first place.
We all have our own weights we carry.
Reach out if you have any questions or comments!